A Reminder of What Hasn't Happened Yet.

Sitting in Panera on Columbus Day and I casually watch two women have this intense conversation through sign language. You can tell the range of emotions they leap to and from by facial expressions and hand motions...the passion in their conversation is obvious. They easily comprehend (and feel) each and every point made by one another.

Without the use of spoken word, they connect and are oblivious to the rest of the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm oblivious to this type of being. Connecting on a level beyond the physical. I've found (and very quickly lost) short-lived instances of this kind of connection. All in all, it makes me feel like I'm lost. Not ignored or alone, just...lost.

I have a decent apartment, in a small town and have a decent job with my fair share of friends and acquaintances. Though I'm unsure of the direction I'm going or who I'm supposed to find or if I have the wherewithal to sustain a real, deeply personal relationship with someone. A number of relationships I have had have come close, but somewhere in the mix it seems as though I am missing a key component or cog that creates a disconnect in this mutual existence. That disconnect then becomes this huge crevasse that ultimately makes me less than what is desired, and that relationship ends. They move on, and I'm lost.

I don't know what it is that is missing or I'm not seeing. And to make matters worse, those partners don't always know either. They just...know. They can feel it, they can taste it, its right on the end of their tongue. But they are unable to put it into words, words that I can understand. If they don't know what it is exactly, then I can't necessarily make sense of it or correct it.

I have definitely changed my way of thinking, put myself second more often than not and have replayed the past in my head over and over with hopes that I would grasp what it was that I was or wasn't doing. Correcting mistakes is the path of real development, right? On the verge of 38 years old and that is apparently not the case. Still watching relationships start off with a real feel of "this is it", but then before it turns that corner...I've lost something...or they need to be more fulfilled with...that something.

Wow, I cannot begin to explain to you the number of times this has happened. Its almost funny...like a bad situation comedy. I would say comedy of errors, but I couldn't tell you what errors are being committed. I'm sure there are plenty. I would be ignorant if I said its always them, its not me. I'm sure its me...I'm positive on that. Its just extremely disappointing to continually restart, be ready to take that plunge...then return to square one. Missing that person on a daily basis and trying to keep yourself occupied to keep from over thinking or driving myself insane.

With that, I have that feeling of being "lost". Not ignored, or alone, or "the world is against me"...I'm just missing a certain state of being. That key component that allows us to connect on a deeper, more personal, intimate level where its you and me...and the rest of the world is on the outside looking in.

You know, that ingredient where you are having fun in a room full of people; intently listening and comprehending conversations, thoughts and feelings...but are instantly brought back to Earth, to your little world shared only by you and...well, whomever it may be (Since, I sure as hell don't know). Its that look, the glance, that shy smile, wink or casual hand gesture that indicates that deep down...you have my undivided attention no matter what the case may be. That...that state of being, that connection, that mutual grasp of what it is each of you want and need from one another; this is what I haven't found. And, unfortunately, I thoroughly believe its what I don't have that keeps it from becoming a reality and developing into something much more meaningful.

The last three days I have continually replayed what took place on Friday in my head, and I'm an still unable to understand it. Maybe I'm not supposed to...sure wish I could. She seemed more upset than I, and let me tell you that makes me feel that much better about it. I just wanted to comfort the girl...I don't think I even now how to do THAT any more. Oh, the two women at Panera, signing and connecting on this ridiculous level without uttering an actual sound...they each have been brought to tears; happy tears, still laughing and reaching that level of being that I'm oblivious to.

I hear jealousy is an unflattering characteristic.

I waited by your bedside,
And didn't close my eyes all night.
I named you like a prayer.

It's anybody's guess how,
The angel of doubt came down,
And crept into your bed.

But after we danced to the shipping forecast,
The words escaped your mouth:
"I know it's gotta stop love, but I don't know how."

Now the stairs forget your shoes,
And the gate don't creak for want of you.
But the jury's out on me.
We're wise beyond our years,
But we're good at bad ideas, my love.
Or so it seems to be.

Shine a little light,
Don't wrestle with the night,
Don't think about the future now.
I know it's gotta stop love but I don't know how.

My little one, my kettle drum,
I know I had a message at the start.

My babel tongue, my come-undone,
I know I had a message at the start.

My prison kiss, my dying wish,
I know I had a message at the start.
But it up and abandoned us, when we were sleeping in our beds.

Shine a little light,
Don't wrestle with the night,
Don't think about the future now.
I know it's gotta stop love but I don't know how.

My little one, my kettle drum,
I know I had a message at the start.

My babel tongue, my come-undone,
I know I had a message at the start.

My prison kiss, my dying wish,
I know I had a message at the start.
But it up and abandoned us, when we were sleeping in our beds.

It's anybody's guess how the angel of doubt laid down
Sand beneath our house.
I know it's gotta stop love, but I don't know how.
I know it's gotta stop love, but I don't know how.

New Ceremony by Dry The River

Going Full Circle Each Year

Wow, I just noticed this list is four years old as of this month. Time is just flying by and it makes me want to remind myself to take some time to look around, observe and enjoy it. Especially with spring and summer on the horizon (since winter never arrived this year, its been 40 or about for the last month and a half. We haven't had any snow, literally).

Four years ago? Well, from March 2008 to March 2012 I was...

in...then out of a long term relationship...

moved from an apartment in Akron to an apartment in Columbus to a house in Columbus to a rooming house just south of the Ohio State University campus (Columbus)...

went from working in radio, to unemployed to being a waiter in a failed Mexican restaurant (Baja Sol) to a customer service rep. in a call center for a girl's/women's apparel catalogue (Delia's/Alloy) to a customer service rep. for JP Morgan Chase to a package handled for Limited Brands to an Account Manager for a Health Care IT company (CoverMyMeds)...

added a second niece and a nephew to my list of young people who think that I, too, am in area of 5 to 8 years old...

officially left radio after years of being only "sort of" happy with what I was doing for a living...

disconnected from a long list of acquaintances and friends through my own ignorance and lack of vision, then discovered a whole new circle of friends and acquaintances...

was continually thrown out of my element, then worked on getting familiar and comfortable with where I was only to have to do it all over again...and again...and again.

And that is just scratching the surface , without details. The only constant is that the roller coaster doesn't have a plateau, its all up and down. That may be the reason why I sometimes feel disconnected, lost or on the outside looking in. It is a feeling I really don't care for.

This shouldn't be, but I have become sort of programmed to not get too comfortable with anything. I think its because each time I have been able to take a deep breath and relax, I then get handed the task of starting something over again.

That can be a confidence killer. Mine isn't dead, though if it were a physical object it would look a lot like my Honda: dented, scratch, scraped, battered and bruised. I'm at that point now where I'm craving a constant of some kind, whether it be big or small, I just need something or a someone to help keep me grounded now and then.

Its funny how this project I started four years ago has gone from a way to document some of the odd experiences I have had to this weird personal reflection. I can imagine looking back on this in a few years and simply laugh at myself. At least I hope that's what I will be doing. I'm 36 (going on 37) and still making my way...which ever way that is.

If I ever get to Albuquerque, remind me to take that left turn.

Getting Fiscally Fit: A Constant Climb

It cracks me up at how much focusing on being fiscally responsible has a direct correlation on every other aspect of one's personal being. I can't say I'm proud of where I am right now, but the focus is understanding it is only temporary. It doesn't define who I am.

What is disheartening is at how others view it and it is usually not the best of views. Most people "get it", while others tend to judge you and wonder what it was you did wrong in order to put yourself in this position. Okay, I can see how one's mind can wonder but believe you me, it has nothing to do with you. This is all me.

You know it is embarrassing enough to realize that you are approaching middle age and need to scale back in order to keep from digging an even bigger hole for yourself. What is not needed is, despite have the confidence and self awareness to explain where you are and why, running into those who assume you are somehow tainted or damaged goods as a result.

It isn't completely awful living in what is technically a 1940's-ish rooming house style living arrangement and with housemates who will never be mistaken for the poster children for cleanliness. They, as friendly as they may be, are pretty disgusting. You get what you pay for: its cheap, small and made for short term residency. It is what you would expect being located near other college campus area dwellings.

I do miss having mine own kitchen, bathroom and the ability to just disappear and be myself without interruption from others now & then. Its been about eight months and I find that I'm frequently revisiting how much time I have left in this fiscal detention I have put myself on. I definitely try keep from staring down the calendar because that is not the point of what I'm try to do.

Though this attempt to improve my standing has thrown a wrench into the dating scene. Most of those I hang out with now are neighbors or are acquaintances of those neighbors and all of them are in their mid to late 20's. Those I come across who are most within my age range are either just not interested or just don't comprehend what I am doing. I can see where they are coming from, sort of. If you've never been in this situation, you just don't know how to react or think.

This doesn't mean the scene would be that much better if I had my own place and all was kosher. Dating has never really be easy for me. I know I have tried too hard at times and my personality is a bit on the obscure side. That's hard to take for some, either right off the bat or a shortly thereafter. Its almost funny at the amount of relationships have turned out not to be.

Its discouraging, but I'm not down for the count. Though there a times where you just don't even feel like trying. Maybe that's the key. Hey I'm where I am because I need to be here to get to where I want to go. It doesn't mean I'm poor, a bad money manager, I'm somehow broken or that I can't be adult about things. This is all about me.

If you don't think you can handle it or think that this is how I'll be in the future, please feel free to move on. It will be a disappointment, but its not like it hasn't happened before. When the tough got going for me, I backtracked a bit to take a different route and try again. I didn't give up. I may have felt like quitting a thousand times, but I didn't.

That, I think, speaks volumes and should tell you a lot about me. Maybe I'll eventually run into someone who will do more than just scratch the surface. Maybe I just need to focus on myself and let things roll. Maybe, just maybe, this is what its all about.

Maybe...

One Down, 51 To Go.

There is something to be said about setting short term goals, that is if you don't go overboard. Its officially been one week into 2012 and I don't have much to worry, complain or fret about. That's a good thing.

Though I do have to say it is hard to ignore that small, yet consistent, voice in the back of mind that reminds me that I'm kind of lonely. Okay, I have been able to make some friends and we are consistent with keeping track of another and going places and make fools out of ourselves. That's great and I am more than thankful for it. I have also taken the initiative to take personal adventures and get involved with a few groups to be more active and about. I'm proud of myself for that.

Its not as if I am being stagnate and keeping to myself. Having fun and being social is key and I understand it is something I need to continually work on.

With that, deep down, I have the small feeling of being alone and maybe a bit lost. I truly don't feel that I am, but I think this goes back to being in a relationship for the better part of four years then suddenly not being in one. I think I miss it or is it that I just miss her? Hmm, I'm not exactly sure. Its annoying that I haven't been able to shake that constant ringing in the back of my mind. I can subdue it now and then, I just can't get it to go away.

I think you will always miss something, or some things, about someone you spend so much time around and work with to maintain a relationship. Even if that relationship goes sour, both parties will always have things that remind them of the good times or something unique about that person. I have those now and they make me smile. Then again, they remind me that its just me right now. I'm not sure I like that as I'm not used to it.

I don't think about this constantly, but it does creep more times than I would like it to. Time, you just need time - I have been told this probably a thousand times in the past eight to nine months. I'm sure this is true, but my personal thought is that it HAS been awhile. Why is it still nagging me?

By no means am I bending over backwards to get into another relationship as I want to be sure I am start a new and not trying to get back what once was. Though I think it would be more than welcomed if the right person crossed my path or I cross hers.

Time, what a quirky thing you are.

2011: It Could Have Been Worse, Right?

"You don't need a new plan for next year. You need a commitment." ~ Seth Godin

The above quote is something I hope to strive for in 2012 and I hope I come across some folks who will do the same. With all it had to offer, 2011 (as a whole) is one I don't want to repeat any time soon. I'm still breathing and the vast majority of loved ones & close friends are still here, so this isn't some sort of doomsday, poor me type thing.

But damn, this past year definitely put me back on my heels. There isn't one person to blame and blame in itself should not be placed on anyone, though I do place a long list of woulda, shoulda, coulda on myself. I may be a little hard on me, but looking back there are so many things that I chose to do that I am disappointed with. Hind sight is 20/20, I know.

That's not to say there wasn't anything good that took place this year because there was a lot of things. Its just that the life I thought I was headed towards and was so looking forward to came to an abrupt end. The relationship, the residence, the neighborhood and group of friends that once was went a totally different direction. I blame myself for the bulk of it, though I think everyone knows that sometimes things just run their course. And when that course has come to its limit, you cannot force it, you have to let it go. That takes guts, which I am embarrassed to admit I sometimes lack.

I think that is the hardest part, letting go. I had a conversation about this not too long ago with a friend of mine and explained that I have a really good memory, which I'm proud of, but at times it can also be a curse. I felt like I have let go a thousands times in the last few months only to have something small and seemingly insignificant conjure up a memory that I have tried so hard to hide or lock away.

I guess the key is to not dwell on those things when they appear or spark a reflection. Its not so easy when they were things that you wanted so bad and were so looking forward to making more real & permanent. For quite awhile I felt lost, confused and sort like I was given up on. I know that wasn't the case, well, completely anyway. It takes two people to make a relationship work and sometimes it doesn't matter how much effort you put into it. It just comes to an end.

Its called life, which is not always a smooth ride. I have come to understand that with the roller coaster ride I have been on for 36 years now. I hope for and wish the best for her and all of them. I'll miss them too, as you cannot just dismiss all the good times.

Here it is, December 31st, 2011. I live in a new neighborhood, have a new group of friends I hang out with, I'm single, have a new job and have completely different surroundings than I had at this time last year. There's only good that can come out of this and looking forward is all you can do because that is what's real. I'm happy about that and maybe a little afraid of the unknown, though that only makes me human.

2012, you have a lot to prove to me and I will go out of my way to make it that much better than the year before. You do your part and I'll do my part, together we'll see what happens.

As for 2011, you did have a lot a good things and I thank you for them. But do me a favor and do not rear your ugly head again anywhere near me. I have a pretty good uppercut and trust me when I say you DO NOT want any part of it.

The Autumn in You

I have always enjoyed the autumn season, but you have made it my Christmas with the way it makes you more you.

The leaves change color and you get more colorful, brighter and adventurous. Your style, the clothes you wear, your unique nature evolves with the transition of the season.

Your smile gets wider, your love of life and all thing nature get some sort of boost by something in the air. The wind picks up, the temperatures fall and you blossom into the girl who stole my thoughts, my mind and my heart. Even if reality keeps me from being a part of you and your life – the change the fall season has on you keeps me alert, positive and appreciative of the short time I was given to be in your unique world and in your thoughts.

It’s the way your mind works, your outgoing spirit, the bright nature of your personality, the beautiful smile, the hearty laugh – even if you are only laughing at yourself, how your face lights up on a daily basis, how you fight through frustration of a personal nature and go out of your way to make others feel warm…welcome…and like they are more than just someone in the crowd.

The subtle change autumn brings is the fuel that brings you to light. Everything about you becomes that much more magnetic – attracting passersby who only want to bask in the enjoyment the season brings to you. The change in you affects everyone in a way that makes us want to know you and be grateful that you are at least willing to give us the time of day.

You may not believe it, see it or believe it – but we do and thank you for it. Autumn is your season of change and rebirth. It will forever be my favorite season because of you.

Let's go away for a while
You and I, to a strange and distant land
Where they speak no word of truth
But we don't understand, anyway

Holiday, far away, to stay
On a holiday, far away
Let's go today
In a heartbeat

Heartbeat, heartbeat

Don't bother to pack your bags or your map
We won't need them where we're goin'
We're goin' where the wind is blowin'
Not knowin' where we're gonna stay

Holiday, far away, to stay
On a holiday, far away, to stay
On a holiday, far away
Let's go today
In a heartbeat

Heartbeat, heartbeat
Heartbeat, heartbeat

We write a postcard to our friends
And family in free verse
We will write a postcard to our friends
And family in free verse
(On the road with Kerouac)
We will write a postcard to our friends
(Sheltered in his Bivouac)
And family in free verse
(On this road we'll never die)

Heartbeat, heartbeat

Let's go away for a while
You and I, to a strange and distant land
Where they speak no word of truth
But we don't understand anyway

Holiday, far away, to stay
On a holiday, far away, to stay
On a holiday, far away
(Let's go away)
To stay, on a holiday, far away
(Let's go away, let's go away)
To stay in a heartbeat
(Let's go away)

"Holiday" by Weezer

New book details the life of “the Henry Ford of the NFL”: Columbus, Ohio’s Joe F. Carr

New book details the life of “the Henry Ford of the NFL”: Columbus, Ohio’s Joe F. Carr. A Columbus, Ohio-native himself, Chris Willis of NFL Films sheds light on the man who turned the NFL into the world’s most popular spectator sport.

(December 7, 2010) Though he was among the initial seventeen inductees into Canton, Ohio’s Pro Football Hall of Fame; the work of Joe F. Carr has been overlooked and seemingly misplaced in the annals of the National Football League. Chris Willis, Head of the Research Library at NFL Films, has compiled the rich history of Carr’s life and work in the new book titled, The Man Who Built the National Football League: Joe F. Carr published by The Scarecrow Press Inc. (http://www.scarecrowpress.com/)

Described as “the Henry Ford of the NFL” by Willis the book details what has become the hidden history of Joe F. Carr. Willis was given complete access to Carr’s family and associates and brings the life of Carr, born the son of Irish immigrants, back to the forefront. The author recounts Carr as the man who had a vision for a little known sport and rose to become the diligent, straight-shooting president of the National Football League. Much of the structure for today’s NFL was developed by Carr, including standard player's contracts, rules for college recruitment, professional football regulations, players' statistics, creation of two NFL divisions, the NFL draft, and the championship game.

During his 18 years as President of the NFL, Carr saw the league expand from struggling franchises scattered in and around the Ohio to major business and sports conglomerates in nearly every major U.S. city. Willis shows us how it was Carr who recruited the folks who purchased franchises that would become the NFL’s Steelers, Eagles, Giants, Lions, Cardinals and Redskins. Many of these families are not only enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, but those same families continue to own these franchises to this day.

Not only did Carr change the name of the then American Professional Football Association to what we know today as the National Football League, he established what would be among the first NFL offices in downtown Columbus, Ohio located on the 11th floor of 16 East Broad Street. Willis informs us that it was Carr’s idea to model the NFL after the largest, most popular sport in the U.S. at the time: Major League Baseball; he even accurately predicted in 1933 that football would eventually overtake baseball as America’s most popular sport. At the same time it was who Carr predicted that the success of the game would create the need to build indoor stadiums.

Willis brings back the life of the man who dedicated his life to the movement that would make professional football what it is today from 1921 till his untimely death in 1939 at the age of 59. Willis gives insight on the man inside and outside of football from members of the Carr family, many whom still reside in Ohio’s Capitol City.

Did you know…Carr also served for a time as President of the American Basketball League and the Columbus Senators baseball team?...Carr was among the first seventeen members of the Pro Football Hall of Fame which included such names as Sammy Baugh, Red Grange, Jim Thorpe, Curly Lambeau, George Halas, Ernie Nevers, and Bronko Nagurski…the first NFL Most Valuable Player award was named for Carr before the award before the award was ceased and when it was brought back Carr’s name disappeared.

In all, Chris Willis reconnects you with the hidden details behind the creation of the NFL and the impact a Columbus, Ohio man had on a sport we know and love with, The Man Who Built the National Football League: Joe F. Carr.

About The Author:
Chris Willis
Head of the Research Library
NFL Films
Email: chris.willis@nfl.com

Willis has held his position with NFL Films since 1996. This is his third book. His other works include Old Leather: An Oral History of Early Pro Football in Ohio, 1920-1935 (Scarecrow, 2005) and The Columbus Panhandles: A Complete History of Pro Football's Toughest Team, 1900-1922 (Scarecrow, 2007).

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