Going Full Circle Each Year

Wow, I just noticed this list is four years old as of this month. Time is just flying by and it makes me want to remind myself to take some time to look around, observe and enjoy it. Especially with spring and summer on the horizon (since winter never arrived this year, its been 40 or about for the last month and a half. We haven't had any snow, literally).

Four years ago? Well, from March 2008 to March 2012 I was...

in...then out of a long term relationship...

moved from an apartment in Akron to an apartment in Columbus to a house in Columbus to a rooming house just south of the Ohio State University campus (Columbus)...

went from working in radio, to unemployed to being a waiter in a failed Mexican restaurant (Baja Sol) to a customer service rep. in a call center for a girl's/women's apparel catalogue (Delia's/Alloy) to a customer service rep. for JP Morgan Chase to a package handled for Limited Brands to an Account Manager for a Health Care IT company (CoverMyMeds)...

added a second niece and a nephew to my list of young people who think that I, too, am in area of 5 to 8 years old...

officially left radio after years of being only "sort of" happy with what I was doing for a living...

disconnected from a long list of acquaintances and friends through my own ignorance and lack of vision, then discovered a whole new circle of friends and acquaintances...

was continually thrown out of my element, then worked on getting familiar and comfortable with where I was only to have to do it all over again...and again...and again.

And that is just scratching the surface , without details. The only constant is that the roller coaster doesn't have a plateau, its all up and down. That may be the reason why I sometimes feel disconnected, lost or on the outside looking in. It is a feeling I really don't care for.

This shouldn't be, but I have become sort of programmed to not get too comfortable with anything. I think its because each time I have been able to take a deep breath and relax, I then get handed the task of starting something over again.

That can be a confidence killer. Mine isn't dead, though if it were a physical object it would look a lot like my Honda: dented, scratch, scraped, battered and bruised. I'm at that point now where I'm craving a constant of some kind, whether it be big or small, I just need something or a someone to help keep me grounded now and then.

Its funny how this project I started four years ago has gone from a way to document some of the odd experiences I have had to this weird personal reflection. I can imagine looking back on this in a few years and simply laugh at myself. At least I hope that's what I will be doing. I'm 36 (going on 37) and still making my way...which ever way that is.

If I ever get to Albuquerque, remind me to take that left turn.

Getting Fiscally Fit: A Constant Climb

It cracks me up at how much focusing on being fiscally responsible has a direct correlation on every other aspect of one's personal being. I can't say I'm proud of where I am right now, but the focus is understanding it is only temporary. It doesn't define who I am.

What is disheartening is at how others view it and it is usually not the best of views. Most people "get it", while others tend to judge you and wonder what it was you did wrong in order to put yourself in this position. Okay, I can see how one's mind can wonder but believe you me, it has nothing to do with you. This is all me.

You know it is embarrassing enough to realize that you are approaching middle age and need to scale back in order to keep from digging an even bigger hole for yourself. What is not needed is, despite have the confidence and self awareness to explain where you are and why, running into those who assume you are somehow tainted or damaged goods as a result.

It isn't completely awful living in what is technically a 1940's-ish rooming house style living arrangement and with housemates who will never be mistaken for the poster children for cleanliness. They, as friendly as they may be, are pretty disgusting. You get what you pay for: its cheap, small and made for short term residency. It is what you would expect being located near other college campus area dwellings.

I do miss having mine own kitchen, bathroom and the ability to just disappear and be myself without interruption from others now & then. Its been about eight months and I find that I'm frequently revisiting how much time I have left in this fiscal detention I have put myself on. I definitely try keep from staring down the calendar because that is not the point of what I'm try to do.

Though this attempt to improve my standing has thrown a wrench into the dating scene. Most of those I hang out with now are neighbors or are acquaintances of those neighbors and all of them are in their mid to late 20's. Those I come across who are most within my age range are either just not interested or just don't comprehend what I am doing. I can see where they are coming from, sort of. If you've never been in this situation, you just don't know how to react or think.

This doesn't mean the scene would be that much better if I had my own place and all was kosher. Dating has never really be easy for me. I know I have tried too hard at times and my personality is a bit on the obscure side. That's hard to take for some, either right off the bat or a shortly thereafter. Its almost funny at the amount of relationships have turned out not to be.

Its discouraging, but I'm not down for the count. Though there a times where you just don't even feel like trying. Maybe that's the key. Hey I'm where I am because I need to be here to get to where I want to go. It doesn't mean I'm poor, a bad money manager, I'm somehow broken or that I can't be adult about things. This is all about me.

If you don't think you can handle it or think that this is how I'll be in the future, please feel free to move on. It will be a disappointment, but its not like it hasn't happened before. When the tough got going for me, I backtracked a bit to take a different route and try again. I didn't give up. I may have felt like quitting a thousand times, but I didn't.

That, I think, speaks volumes and should tell you a lot about me. Maybe I'll eventually run into someone who will do more than just scratch the surface. Maybe I just need to focus on myself and let things roll. Maybe, just maybe, this is what its all about.

Maybe...

One Down, 51 To Go.

There is something to be said about setting short term goals, that is if you don't go overboard. Its officially been one week into 2012 and I don't have much to worry, complain or fret about. That's a good thing.

Though I do have to say it is hard to ignore that small, yet consistent, voice in the back of mind that reminds me that I'm kind of lonely. Okay, I have been able to make some friends and we are consistent with keeping track of another and going places and make fools out of ourselves. That's great and I am more than thankful for it. I have also taken the initiative to take personal adventures and get involved with a few groups to be more active and about. I'm proud of myself for that.

Its not as if I am being stagnate and keeping to myself. Having fun and being social is key and I understand it is something I need to continually work on.

With that, deep down, I have the small feeling of being alone and maybe a bit lost. I truly don't feel that I am, but I think this goes back to being in a relationship for the better part of four years then suddenly not being in one. I think I miss it or is it that I just miss her? Hmm, I'm not exactly sure. Its annoying that I haven't been able to shake that constant ringing in the back of my mind. I can subdue it now and then, I just can't get it to go away.

I think you will always miss something, or some things, about someone you spend so much time around and work with to maintain a relationship. Even if that relationship goes sour, both parties will always have things that remind them of the good times or something unique about that person. I have those now and they make me smile. Then again, they remind me that its just me right now. I'm not sure I like that as I'm not used to it.

I don't think about this constantly, but it does creep more times than I would like it to. Time, you just need time - I have been told this probably a thousand times in the past eight to nine months. I'm sure this is true, but my personal thought is that it HAS been awhile. Why is it still nagging me?

By no means am I bending over backwards to get into another relationship as I want to be sure I am start a new and not trying to get back what once was. Though I think it would be more than welcomed if the right person crossed my path or I cross hers.

Time, what a quirky thing you are.