Wednesday, May 30, 2018

The Quivering Jowls of Skull Crushing Summer Nights

Memorial Day weekend marks the unofficial start to summer and for L & I we will be marking our first summer in our place in Delaware, Ohio. New town, new place, new season and a whole new beginning.

Just because you can refresh everything around you, does not mean the weirdness factor is eliminated. It can, and will, continue and could even get more weird. Like, for example, on Cinco de Mayo (May 5th) on a cool down walk after finishing a post work four mile run I notice a piece of paper on the sidewalk ahead of me. This wouldn't be all that significant except that finding such things are rare in the neighborhood we live in, most of the folks pick up their crap or find the correct location for their trash.

Was this meant for me??
 If so, what is it telling me !?
Following my effort to be an adequate neighbor and find the correct location for it, I head in that direction. As I get closer, it looks more like a playing card of some sort. Once I reach it, my thinking was correct - but not only is it a playing card, it has Cards Against Humanity imprinted on the side facing me. I laugh at myself and casually wonder if someone has left it there purposely, and if so, have they left these - randomly - around town as a fun gag?

I look, but don't see any other cards lying around. Eager to see what fun fortune, statement, suggestions, nouns or adjective(s) have been left - I pick up the card. Turning it over with my sweaty fingers, I find: Quivering Jowls. Too funny, though my jowls weren't quivering but I was quite winded - having just returned from running. My mind then wonders as to what sentence I could insert this phrase into or could I develop some sort of running related game combining Card Against Humanity and geocaching?? Either way, it was a fun find at the corner of Liberty & Elmwood Drive.

Later in the week, L stopped to grab Chipotle burritos before heading home. This was on National Teacher Appreciation Day and being a teacher she was given a BOGO burrito certificate. She followed through, though we had a couple of pork tenderloins marinating in the fridge awaiting their date with the smoker grill. If anything, we didn't have to eat everything in one sitting. Leftovers are always scrumptious. Since the burritos don't age all that well, when the tenderloins were nearly done that evening we put the Mexican meat & veggie logs (still swaddled in their commercial tin foil gift wrapping) onto the smoker grill to warm them up - lets say the thermometer was around 200 degrees with indirect heat from the coals and the smoking chips still doing their thing.

We did sample some of the tenderloin because...well...how could we not? They made an even bigger smash for dinner and lunch the following couple of days. ALTHOUGH, those burritos - which had been sitting around for a few hours before being placed on the grill - ended up being completely reheated with a semi-crispy tortilla and an excellent smoky flavor. Hey Chipotle - get your ass in gear and get it done: Smoked Carnitas Burrito !
The Lake Erie view from the beach
 along Magee Marsh Wildlife Area

On May 12th we went up to Lake Erie for the weekend, its just a two hour drive but in regards to weather - we should have traveled hemispheres. It was 80 and sunny in Delaware Saturday afternoon, in Sandusky, Port Clinton, Marblehead & Huron it was 45, overcast, windy with sideways rain as a storm front battered Ohio's north coast and nearby Cedar Point Amusement Park. The lake resembled an ocean as it's waves battered beaches & piers.

We visited some protected marsh lands, wildlife areas and parks as it was World Migratory Bird Day and took in some excellent viewing of fowl you don't see everyday. In between the park visits we stopped by Catawba Island Brewing and sampled a few. The Walleye-P-A is a grapefruit bomb, the Hot Blonde Mango-Habanero Ale is a thirst quencher and the Waterspout Chocolate Oatmeal Stout is worth at two least pints of your time.

I couldn't leave without grabbing
some Catawba Island brews
to take home.
After visiting some of Northwest Ohio's excellent natural resources, we then headed off to find our motel and check-in. We were going to be a little late for our schedule time, so L called the motel. The gentleman who answered was in a hurry as he was on his way out the door to take his mom out to dinner for Mother's Day. His solution for us, "No problem, when you get here just go into the office and take whatever room key you like. I'll take care of the paperwork when I come back." Well...a motel run on the honor system, that's a first for us.

After check-in (or key selection I guess you'd say), we crashed for a short time before heading out to dinner. Half asleep, I wake up hearing music coming from the room next door. Not that big of a deal, but some parts of the melody sounded familiar. It was enough for me to wake up and listen harder to the faint tune because I knew it, but couldn't make it out. Then suddenly it hit me and I said to L, "I think that's...that's Endless Love?". I turn to her with this look of why would anyone be listening to this and she returned to me an equally confused stare. Now this would not be so out of the ordinary, if what took place next wouldn't have happened.

Within seconds, we hear a gentleman exit that very room and onto the sidewalk in front of our dwellings and he begins an animated cellphone conversation. Utilizing his wide array of curse words and insults, he tells the person on the other end of the line to not mess with his "baby". As the conversation goes, we are able to decipher that his "baby" was more than likely a girlfriend or significant other. To express to the person on the other end of the line that he REALLY means what he's saying, we hear:

Relaxing after dinner 
at the lighthouse at 
Huron Harbor 
& Pier
"I don't care about your word. If I CATCH you...if I CATCH you...(expletive, expletive, expletive, etc.)

 ...and said repeatedly, without interruption. Then follow by:

"Do you understand me?! I can bench press 350 POUNDS!! I can crush your skull with my bare hands." (also followed by more expletives)

This, too, was repeated over and over - but with a twist. The "bare hands" portion was pronounced with an unusual elongated emphasis - apparently - to show he really, REALLY would like to manually dissect this man's head. So it came out like this, "I can crush your skull with my bare haayynnndds!" We weren't sure if we should laugh or be concerned for our personal safety.

Bewildered, but also starving (since we were in the process of going out to dinner) we listened for our chance to escape without making it (more) awkward. Though, within minutes the frank discussion comes to an end and we hear a door close. We hastily gather our jackets and stumble through the falling drizzle & gathering puddles to the car - all the while hearing the voices of Diana Ross and Lionel Richie serenading us "...Two hearts, Two hearts that beat as one, Our lives have just begun, And forever, I'll hold you close in my arms, I can't resist your charms". The only charm we received out of this was the freshly prepared Lake Erie Perch & Walleye we ate just minutes later at Berardi's.

We have since used the "I can crush your skull with my bare haayynnndds!" saying as an inside joke among us and our friends. No matter what it is, just remember, "I can crush your skull with my bare haayynnndds!" 

With the new and weird comes some familiarity, I guess you could say. We have a new place, but Memorial Day weekend also meant the return of the New Moon Half & Quarter Marathon, Crescent Moon 5K in Delaware. I ran the quarter marathon portion of this race last year and crashed in the humidity of the late afternoon race, but that was when I was still living in Marion. I now live in Delaware and have since April Fool's Day (seriously) and better yet, I have been running on portions of the race route for the last two months - familiarity brings success, no?! At least that's what I tell myself and to change it up a little bit, instead of running the quarter marathon again, I decided to run the half marathon portion.

Following my PR and 57th place finish last month at the CapCity Half Marathon, I was hoping to continue that success on a course which ate me alive in 2017. It is a 6.6 mile-ish course and for the half marathon, we would be taking the loop twice. Unlike the half I ran in April, this one is not as flat and has it's fair share of  more dramatic inclines. The most fun part of this route is that it circles the block I now live on. It is weird to think I ran this course last year, unaware that 52 weeks later I would - essentially -  be residing on it. My plan, this year, was to run this race as if it were my own.


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The day began with an overcast sky as I had to work, but cut out at 3pm in order to not have to rush and relax for a short time before the 6pm start time. I ran part of the route the night before just to get some work in and the humidity was killer. It was expected to be the same on this day with a chance of afternoon showers, which could multiply the humidity factor. A number of my Buck Fifty Traffic Panther's Teammates would be joining me and would gather at our place after the race to grill out and down some suds. This, I thought, could be motivation when (or if) the heat made my mind wander off course.

The New Moon Half Marathon Loop,
two times around. And, LOOK, my house!
As luck would have it, a storm cell rolled in right around 5:15 and the skies opened up with everything a thunderstorm could be. The heat and humidity were instantly eliminated and the storm officially moved on at 5:50. Just like that, we had a reprieve from the elements and still started on time. At the gun, Traffic Panther Teammate Gary and I stayed within ourselves, avoiding the attempt to equal the pace the quarter marathoners.

It wasn't long before what humidity was left forced the removal of my shirt as all of us suddenly became upright puddles of sweat. On a down hill just before mile 3, Gary drifted by me. I tagged along and did the same to him about a half mile later. Heading up Lincoln Avenue, half a block from where I now live, I hear from a crowd of onlookers from a random front porch "That's my neighbor Craig! Elmwood Strong!". Laughing to myself, I can tell it's Rob - just one of our friendly next door neighbors.

The down hill after the four mile marker saw Gary again drift by and as we enter Mingo Park at mile five, we again traded places. Keeping each other on pace was working up to this point.

Having the half marathoners and quarter marathoners running at the same time meant you couldn't really tell who was running what distance until the split which saw the quarter runners turn right to head for the finish and the half marathoners turn left to start a second loop. At the split I turn for my additional loop and see a lonely uphill (the same incline of which I navigated about 40 minutes or so ago) and it is just me - the faster folks had to be up that way somewhere, right? Continuing along I make sure to get water or Gatorade (or both) at every hydration station from here on out.

About four miles to go, focusing
on the dude in red just ahead
At mile seven I realize I haven't seen (or heard) Gary, or anyone else for that matter, for a little while. Though I do notice in front, at what seems like a mile ahead, a half marathoner. Assuming I was alone at this point, I focus on the figure ahead and work on maintaining form, pushing my knees through my elbows. At every turn I look for that figure and each time I'm a little closer. I'm gaining on him every so slowly. I feel good and the humidity is affecting some folks, though - luckily - I've been able to avoid the heat crash. A rather long downhill at mile ten put me within in striking distance and I hear some onlookers yell, "Second place is just ahead, you got 'em!"

We make it back to Mingo Park for the second time and about a quarter of the way around the park, I finally pass that figure. The bike lead he had been following now speeds up slightly to stay in front of me, but the figure doesn't drift away - he stays directly on my tail. We come out of the park and have about a mile to go and on the slight downhill the sound of his footsteps start to drift off. Focusing on my form, I stare down the half & quarter marathon split for a second time. This time I get to turn right and cruise the tenth of a mile or so to the finish. Just as I turn, I see a red clad figure appear to my right. It's the dude I just passed attempting to redeem himself. Here I simply threw what I had left in the tank out there and took off.

Turning to the finish & punishing a little girl
Though, this is where it I will forever be made fun of - as I reach Sandusky Street to turn left to finish, the crowd is huddle at the corner craning their necks to look over and around each other for  oncoming finishers. The more they stretch to look, the further into the street they get. I'm headed right for them and a few notice I'm about to turn them into bowling pins and dart back onto the sidewalk. The last one jumps back just in time for me to miss them, though behind them is a little girl - say 5 to 7 years-old - who is oblivious to the fact I'm barreling down on her to turn the corner. I have enough time to move most of my body to the right, but not enough to avoid her completely.

I stick out my hands to block her from being totally destroyed, but it is enough momentum that she falls to the ground relatively hard and narrowly misses landing in a puddle of rain water. I look back to make sure I haven't killed her and yell "I'm sorry!" with as much breath as I can gather then turn back around to finish about three seconds later. I stop my watch and hear the announcer say something like "Please be sure not to walk onto the course and stay back on the sidewalk". A little late for that now, isn't it?

Glancing at my watch I see I have finished in 1:28:03. It isn't a PR, but an excellent time - for me - with the amount of hills and elevation involved. And as an even bigger surprise, I have taken second place. First place, yeah, that dude was about twelve minutes ahead of me. I was happy with a second place overall finish and teammate Gary finished fifth.

Marion friend Dan, Me, Traffic Panthers
 Gary & Patricia and former Traffic Panthers
 Susan & Kevin
.
Shortly thereafter, I find my Traffic Panther Teammates and L and get my free beer. Mingling with them, the little girl I stomped on is pointed out to me. I make my way over to her and kneel down to meet her gaze (her dad is standing with her) and ask, "I'm sorry I ran into you, are you okay?" Looking unsure of what is going on, and maybe a little scared, her dad tells her, "Honey, this is the guy who trucked you." Thanks Dad...I feel MUCH better about it now. He did say she was fine and the whole thing just scared her. I laughed and asked if she wanted to push me down or kick me. She, too, then laughed and gave me a high five. Thankfully, I'm not being hunted down.

All of us eventually made it back to my place for some grilling and celebratory drink afterwards.

So summer has begun and my plan is to not spend it looking in the rear view mirror, but rather as a soon-to-be 43 year-old who has way too much ahead of him to sit back and recollect on what once was. This coming Sunday, we return to the 41st Columbus 10K - Columbus, Ohio's oldest road race. I took 55th in 2017 with a time of 38:46 and I'm looking to obliterate it.

We have no time to wait, or rely, on someone or something to come through -  if you want it, you gotta get it done yourself...



You’ve got a lot of nerve
When you’re trying to call me out
But we both know very well
You’re the one with the big mouth
I thought that I liked you and your mom and daddy too
But now I know that I want no part of them or you

It’s not my fault
It’s not my fault like you say it is
It’s not my fault cause I told you long ago
That I wouldn’t put up with your bullshit

You don’t come through
Like you say you do
Now I don’t need you to
Cause I don’t need you
You don’t come through
Like you say you do
Now I don’t need you to
Cause I don’t need you (oh oh oh oh oh)
Don’t need you (oh oh oh oh oh)
Don’t need you

You think you've played me for a fool (for a fool)
When really you just made yourself look like a stupid tool
I know it must be hard to see
You’re not my cup of tea
That’s just what happens when you’re way too cool

It’s not my fault (no, no)
It’s not my fault like you say it is
It’s not my fault cause I told you long ago
That I wouldn’t put up with your bullshit

You don’t come through
Like you say you do
Now I don’t need you to
Cause I don’t need you
You don’t come through
Like you say you do
Now I don’t need you to
Cause I don’t need you (oh oh oh oh oh)
Don’t need you (oh oh oh oh oh)
Don’t need you (oh oh oh oh oh)

(Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh) x2

Boy I think it’s time I think it’s time I let you know
Yeah I think it’s time I think it’s time I let you go
Boy I think it’s time I think it’s time I let you know
Boy I think it’s time I think it’s time I let you go

You don’t come through
Like you say you do
Now I don’t need you to
Cause I don’t need you
You don’t come through
Like you say you do
Now I don’t need you to
Cause I don’t need you (oh oh oh oh oh)
Don’t need you (oh oh oh oh oh)
I Don’t need you (oh oh oh oh oh)
Don’t need you (oh oh oh oh oh)
I don’t need you

Just finished, searching for oxygen

New Moon Race SWAG



30 minutes before the start,
Delaware is the blue dot under
 the storm
L and I moments after realizing I'm
still alive.
Gary and I - three miles in.


At one mile, Gary and I taking on Delaware.

Me at the finish with the dude in red trailing. Behind us
to the right (unseen) a little girl is crying somewhere.

The start of the half & 10K. Gary and I are on the far left

Finisher's medal & reward
Results yo!