It cracks me up at how much focusing on being fiscally responsible has a direct correlation on every other aspect of one's personal being. I can't say I'm proud of where I am right now, but the focus is understanding it is only temporary. It doesn't define who I am.
What is disheartening is at how others view it and it is usually not the best of views. Most people "get it", while others tend to judge you and wonder what it was you did wrong in order to put yourself in this position. Okay, I can see how one's mind can wonder but believe you me, it has nothing to do with you. This is all me.
You know it is embarrassing enough to realize that you are approaching middle age and need to scale back in order to keep from digging an even bigger hole for yourself. What is not needed is, despite have the confidence and self awareness to explain where you are and why, running into those who assume you are somehow tainted or damaged goods as a result.
It isn't completely awful living in what is technically a 1940's-ish rooming house style living arrangement and with housemates who will never be mistaken for the poster children for cleanliness. They, as friendly as they may be, are pretty disgusting. You get what you pay for: its cheap, small and made for short term residency. It is what you would expect being located near other college campus area dwellings.
I do miss having mine own kitchen, bathroom and the ability to just disappear and be myself without interruption from others now & then. Its been about eight months and I find that I'm frequently revisiting how much time I have left in this fiscal detention I have put myself on. I definitely try keep from staring down the calendar because that is not the point of what I'm try to do.
Though this attempt to improve my standing has thrown a wrench into the dating scene. Most of those I hang out with now are neighbors or are acquaintances of those neighbors and all of them are in their mid to late 20's. Those I come across who are most within my age range are either just not interested or just don't comprehend what I am doing. I can see where they are coming from, sort of. If you've never been in this situation, you just don't know how to react or think.
This doesn't mean the scene would be that much better if I had my own place and all was kosher. Dating has never really be easy for me. I know I have tried too hard at times and my personality is a bit on the obscure side. That's hard to take for some, either right off the bat or a shortly thereafter. Its almost funny at the amount of relationships have turned out not to be.
Its discouraging, but I'm not down for the count. Though there a times where you just don't even feel like trying. Maybe that's the key. Hey I'm where I am because I need to be here to get to where I want to go. It doesn't mean I'm poor, a bad money manager, I'm somehow broken or that I can't be adult about things. This is all about me.
If you don't think you can handle it or think that this is how I'll be in the future, please feel free to move on. It will be a disappointment, but its not like it hasn't happened before. When the tough got going for me, I backtracked a bit to take a different route and try again. I didn't give up. I may have felt like quitting a thousand times, but I didn't.
That, I think, speaks volumes and should tell you a lot about me. Maybe I'll eventually run into someone who will do more than just scratch the surface. Maybe I just need to focus on myself and let things roll. Maybe, just maybe, this is what its all about.