Sitting in Panera on Columbus Day and I casually watch two women have this intense conversation through sign language. You can tell the range of emotions they leap to and from by facial expressions and hand motions...the passion in their conversation is obvious. They easily comprehend (and feel) each and every point made by one another.
Without the use of spoken word, they connect and are oblivious to the rest of the world.
Sometimes I feel like I'm oblivious to this type of being. Connecting on a level beyond the physical. I've found (and very quickly lost) short-lived instances of this kind of connection. All in all, it makes me feel like I'm lost. Not ignored or alone, just...lost.
I have a decent apartment, in a small town and have a decent job with my fair share of friends and acquaintances. Though I'm unsure of the direction I'm going or who I'm supposed to find or if I have the wherewithal to sustain a real, deeply personal relationship with someone.
A number of relationships I have had have come close, but somewhere in the mix it seems as though I am missing a key component or cog that creates a disconnect in this mutual existence. That disconnect then becomes this huge crevasse that ultimately makes me less than what is desired, and that relationship ends. They move on, and I'm lost.
I don't know what it is that is missing or I'm not seeing. And to make matters worse, those partners don't always know either. They just...know. They can feel it, they can taste it, its right on the end of their tongue. But they are unable to put it into words, words that I can understand.
If they don't know what it is exactly, then I can't necessarily make sense of it or correct it.
I have definitely changed my way of thinking, put myself second more often than not and have replayed the past in my head over and over with hopes that I would grasp what it was that I was or wasn't doing. Correcting mistakes is the path of real development, right?
On the verge of 38 years old and that is apparently not the case.
Still watching relationships start off with a real feel of "this is it", but then before it turns that corner...I've lost something...or they need to be more fulfilled with...that something.
Wow, I cannot begin to explain to you the number of times this has happened. Its almost funny...like a bad situation comedy. I would say comedy of errors, but I couldn't tell you what errors are being committed. I'm sure there are plenty.
I would be ignorant if I said its always them, its not me. I'm sure its me...I'm positive on that. Its just extremely disappointing to continually restart, be ready to take that plunge...then return to square one. Missing that person on a daily basis and trying to keep yourself occupied to keep from over thinking or driving myself insane.
With that, I have that feeling of being "lost". Not ignored, or alone, or "the world is against me"...I'm just missing a certain state of being. That key component that allows us to connect on a deeper, more personal, intimate level where its you and me...and the rest of the world is on the outside looking in.
You know, that ingredient where you are having fun in a room full of people; intently listening and comprehending conversations, thoughts and feelings...but are instantly brought back to Earth, to your little world shared only by you and...well, whomever it may be (Since, I sure as hell don't know). Its that look, the glance, that shy smile, wink or casual hand gesture that indicates that deep down...you have my undivided attention no matter what the case may be.
That...that state of being, that connection, that mutual grasp of what it is each of you want and need from one another; this is what I haven't found. And, unfortunately, I thoroughly believe its what I don't have that keeps it from becoming a reality and developing into something much more meaningful.
The last three days I have continually replayed what took place on Friday in my head, and I'm an still unable to understand it. Maybe I'm not supposed to...sure wish I could. She seemed more upset than I, and let me tell you that makes me feel that much better about it. I just wanted to comfort the girl...I don't think I even now how to do THAT any more.
Oh, the two women at Panera, signing and connecting on this ridiculous level without uttering an actual sound...they each have been brought to tears; happy tears, still laughing and reaching that level of being that I'm oblivious to.
I hear jealousy is an unflattering characteristic.