"You don't need a new plan for next year. You need a commitment." ~ Seth Godin
The above quote is something I hope to strive for in 2012 and I hope I come across some folks who will do the same. With all it had to offer, 2011 (as a whole) is one I don't want to repeat any time soon. I'm still breathing and the vast majority of loved ones & close friends are still here, so this isn't some sort of doomsday, poor me type thing.
But damn, this past year definitely put me back on my heels. There isn't one person to blame and blame in itself should not be placed on anyone, though I do place a long list of woulda, shoulda, coulda on myself. I may be a little hard on me, but looking back there are so many things that I chose to do that I am disappointed with. Hind sight is 20/20, I know.
That's not to say there wasn't anything good that took place this year because there was a lot of things. Its just that the life I thought I was headed towards and was so looking forward to came to an abrupt end. The relationship, the residence, the neighborhood and group of friends that once was went a totally different direction. I blame myself for the bulk of it, though I think everyone knows that sometimes things just run their course. And when that course has come to its limit, you cannot force it, you have to let it go. That takes guts, which I am embarrassed to admit I sometimes lack.
I think that is the hardest part, letting go. I had a conversation about this not too long ago with a friend of mine and explained that I have a really good memory, which I'm proud of, but at times it can also be a curse. I felt like I have let go a thousands times in the last few months only to have something small and seemingly insignificant conjure up a memory that I have tried so hard to hide or lock away.
I guess the key is to not dwell on those things when they appear or spark a reflection. Its not so easy when they were things that you wanted so bad and were so looking forward to making more real & permanent. For quite awhile I felt lost, confused and sort like I was given up on. I know that wasn't the case, well, completely anyway. It takes two people to make a relationship work and sometimes it doesn't matter how much effort you put into it. It just comes to an end.
Its called life, which is not always a smooth ride. I have come to understand that with the roller coaster ride I have been on for 36 years now. I hope for and wish the best for her and all of them. I'll miss them too, as you cannot just dismiss all the good times.
Here it is, December 31st, 2011. I live in a new neighborhood, have a new group of friends I hang out with, I'm single, have a new job and have completely different surroundings than I had at this time last year. There's only good that can come out of this and looking forward is all you can do because that is what's real. I'm happy about that and maybe a little afraid of the unknown, though that only makes me human.
2012, you have a lot to prove to me and I will go out of my way to make it that much better than the year before. You do your part and I'll do my part, together we'll see what happens.
As for 2011, you did have a lot a good things and I thank you for them. But do me a favor and do not rear your ugly head again anywhere near me. I have a pretty good uppercut and trust me when I say you DO NOT want any part of it.