Fractured, Not Broken

Double-takes, that is what passersby do as they cruise along in their various means of transportation. Apparently sitting in one's apartment building front yard under a tree with a book (and maybe a glass of bourbon) isn't the norm around here. Or is it the fact that I don't have my attention hijacked by an Iphone, Ipad or other ignore-the-outside-world electronic device creeping them out? Little do they know I'm watching and observing them just as much.

The apartment on
State Street.

These are the same looks I received when I planted a small garden in that same tiny front yard. I also dished out those glances and stares when I finally caught the couple who kept stealing those plants, pulling them right out of the ground, in the middle of the night as they were walking their dog. I had jokingly thought of electrifying the tomato plant cages just to teach them a lesson.

Maybe its my saved from the trash lawn chair that accompanies me? It's arms are dotted with what looks like rust water stains, but otherwise works and is semi-comfortable. On second glance, the stains resemble Iodine or maybe dried blood. Hmm...its not blood. Then again I could have picked up someone's discarded murder weapon. Yeah, its not blood...I'm pretty sure...sort of. Do I have bleach in my apartment? Oh, nevermind.

I'm not alone, the struggling trees across the street keep me company. The four aren't very big, though they never really had a chance. They have obviously been trimmed (butchered is the better word for it) over and over. Some limbs are thriving, most of the others litter the ground with debris on windy days. One tree has no growth, just a six-foot stump with one branch pointing towards the sky at two o'clock as if to say "kill me now, seriously, just kill me" to the heavens above.

There isn't much moisture in that small strip of land about the width of my arm that sits between a busy residential street and a massive parking lot that, at most, is half full about twice a year. Its current major role is reserved for the massive piles of snow the plows shove around during Ohio's schizophrenic winters. Let's just say it isn't postcard worthy.

Occasionally my strange activities are interrupted. Last weekend I smiled at a woman walking by and she said "hi". Then proceeded to utilize the next 35 minutes to tell me about an unnerving domestic situation that has been taking place between her, her daughter and recent tenants-turned-squatters.

The animated monologue filled with expletives was a bit uncomfortable and she assured me that the rather fresh cast on her right wrist and hand was due to punching a wall out of anger. "Not from punching a person", she said with a laugh. I forced a laugh along with her, silly me. I was happy to see her move on, waving goodbye with the swollen, bruised sausage fingers sticking out from the end of that badge of honor encasing her hand. That image still haunts me.

Other times I'm interrupted by folks strolling by on the sidewalk having cell phone conversations with complete disregard for who is around, how loud they are, what they are saying or where they are. I say "conversations", but are more like arguments while pushing a small child around in a stroller who isn't protect by the blazing sun.

Its funny how they throw you a disapproving stare when they catch your eyes. Is it because they notice I'm listening or because I'm bad at feigning interest in a conversation I've been forced into against my will from half a block away? Oh, by the way...your child is melting.

Every now and then, I don't even have to go outside. Last fall my upstairs neighbor turned on the bath at around 7 am as I'm having my coffee and half-listening to NPR. Before long the sound of her running water seemed to be coming from my bathroom. I think its in the movie The Amityville Horror where blood seeps and drips from the walls? Imagine that blood is instead water.

My neighbor turned on the bath, then laid down and fell asleep. As a result, her bath ran over onto her floor - also known on the other side as my bathroom ceiling. About 30 minutes later I have cleaned up the mess, but have two loads of soaked towels and rugs to take care of. Not to mention the task given to my landlord to correct a drywall ceiling that, to me, resembles the aftermath of colliding tectonic plates.

I'm still waiting for the ceiling to be repaired, though I'm now greeted at each bathroom visit by thousands of tiny, damp drywall chandeliers that fall like Autumn leaves every couple of days...yay. She, my upstairs neighbor, did apologize - at least I think she did, or tried. That afternoon I came home from work to find a note on my door that read:

Sorry about your water problem.

 - Brooke

...are you confused? Yep, me too.

I'm not sure if it was the smiley face, that it was apparently my "water problem" or that she shares the name of a vehicle for running water. I still think I was somehow involved in a lost Seinfeld episode.

Anyway, it is at least entertaining here on State Street. My elderly, bisexual neighbor who half jokingly hits on me every now and then is a story for another time. 

So my question to you is - what less then perfect place would you want to be right now?

The Fourteen Day Goodbye

It has been a little over a year since dad passed away and seven months before that - in June - his dad, grandpa, passed away. But grandpa (known as O.J.) was 90 years old and was getting more frail as the days went on. Dad, Terry, was 63 and the time from which we discovered he had been sick - and sick for years, was hospitalized and succumbed to Cancer was all of two weeks.

It hit even harder that his visit to the hospital for what he thought was Bronchitis was on December 24th, 2012...Christmas Eve. What followed that were constant updates from his wife Shelley and calls from him - that is when he had enough oxygen and strength to breathe on his own. Very quietly we found out that it was stage four Cancer that had moved from his stomach to his lungs. This was going to be fatal and very soon.

I can't imagine how he must have felt and what was going through his mind when it was explained that there was not going to be a recovery - there is no treatment...it would be useless. The first week of 2013 had us - my brother, sister, Shelley and dad's brother Don - detail to dad that he had to decide when he wanted to be intubated, taken off the respirator and slowly, peacefully pass away. A friend and local Pastor John Evans played a big part in helping dad (and us) cope with the situation. We more/less lived in that wing of Adena Regional Medical Center for a couple of days.

As weird as it was, the hospital was crawling with old friends and faces - it was like an all class reunion of some kind. And somehow they were all there - working at the hospital of course - but almost as if they were helping us say "goodbye". This was our hometown, so it made sense to see people we knew. But it was on the verge of crazy.

With a despondent  look on his face, dad came to a conclusion. We spent the night and morning in his hospital room reminiscing, playing music and laughing. Each laugh followed by an abrupt silence - knowing that it would all end soon. That afternoon we said our goodbyes through tears, strained faces, tired looks and emotional hell. I'm sure dad would have given anything to fight those temporary battles with us, but his was going to be final.

Two weeks...I'm still as stunned and dumbfounded today as I was then. That doesn't happen, someone doesn't go from looking perfectly healthy with no outward sign of sickness to stage four of this asinine disease and on their deathbed (for a lack of a better term) in fourteen days. That's ludicrous! He even had to celebrate - or celebrate as best he could - his birthday during this time.

I know we probably had not been as close as we used to be over the last few years with my brother living in Texas, my sister corralling a career as well as three children under the age of eight, and my flighty career and relationship paths. That's not to mention dad having remarried and then divorced, and then married for a third time. But I was just with him a month earlier watching the Ohio State/Michigan football game at his house and yelling at the TV like we did so many years ago when we were under the same roof. We had not done that together since I was fifteen or sixteen. Damn, had it really been 22-years?! We had only discussed the game on the phone days after the fact up until then. It was like we were pulled together for one last hurrah, only no one explained to us that that's what it was.

In that hospital room, I must of had a look of absolute disorientation. I'm in a fog because this doesn't happen, shouldn't happen...so why is it happening? I'm in tears, we all are, and we each hugged dad and say goodbye and tell him we love him. He's in too much pain or shock, or both, to cry but we can hear it in his muffled voiced as he fights to make himself sound coherent through the mask that is forcing oxygen into his failing, fluid-filled lungs.

I try to say something to him, but my emotions erupt and what little composure I had disappears. Suddenly I'm sobbing and I'm frustrated and this is really happening.

Dad seems emotionless, but you can tell he understands - he's ready to go. We are escorted out of the room to another area away from everyone. Small talk among us is hard to come by for about twenty minutes or so, then the nurse arrives to tell us we can go back in. As we get to the door to dad's room, suddenly we see him shoot up to the sitting position and the hospital staff runs to his aid and immediately escort us out of the room then close the double doors behind us. My sister is in near hysterics and the rest of us are unsure of what to make of it.

Apparently, dad wasn't completely under when he was intubated - the tube down his throat caused a knee-jerk choking/gagging-like reaction or reflex. Geez, like we need more happening right now! Minutes later we are back in the room, dad is unconscious and struggling to breathe on his own. We all grab a chair, try to relax, tell stories about dad, the past and recent happenings as we wait for his final goodbye.

The joke was that dad, who was the king of unfunny jokes and stories, had another "remember when" story he forgot to share or he had just recalled the most recent unfunny one he took from Reader's Digest and wanted to tell us about it at the last minute. Unfortunately, he waited a bit too long and the tube in his mouth kept him from giving us one last laugh - or more likely -  roll of the eyes. It is a shame he didn't get to do that.

Or did he?

Uncle Don and Donna, My brother Chad and his wife Steph, My sister Jill and her husband Chad, Pastor Evans and I sat there intermixing memories, laughs, silence and sadness for more than six hours. I don't know anyone who can be comfortable in a hospital room chair for more than five minutes let alone a quarter of a day. We nodded off for a few minutes here and there, but our bodies were waking us up as if to say, "What the hell is this? I don't think so!"

At least one of us kept an eye on dad or the monitors keeping track of his breathing nearly the entire time. There was an instance when the oxygen monitor neared zero. We all stood up and gathered around him waiting for the inevitable and taking deep, cleansing breaths. Though slowly, and unusually, the oxygen level crept back up again to what it was before and even improved upon it.

HILARIOUS dad, HIL-AR-EEE-US.

Even on his death bed (and unconscious mind you), the stupid unfunny jokes continued. We half expected him to open one eye, point his finger at us and say "Gotcha". Though, that was officially the last one.

A short time later when we were all engaged in conversation and not paying any attention to him or the machines - it all stopped. He had decided to go when he thought we were at peace and he was not the center of attention. That was January 6th, 2013.

It was just weird to spend the past year not getting a call from him now and then, realizing that dialing his number (which is still in my phone by the way) would not result in a conversation about what was happening in our super small hometown and trips down south would not include swinging by to say "hello".

Instead, it had us dropping by dad's plot in Little Mound Cemetery and having conversations with ourselves - pretending dad is fully involved and taking part. He's right next to his dad, O.J., just like they were a few months earlier, when they lived within 100 yards of each other. Grandpa playing stupid jokes on dad, dad growing frustrated with him...but then doing the exact same thing to us. Like father, like son.

The jokes have come to an end for the Simpson Boys of Richmond Dale, Ohio. So, I'm not going to apologize to anyone for all of the stupid jokes you hear from me and all the times I make your eyes roll out of your head.

You see, I'm just carrying the torch and it doesn't have too many hands left to hold it.

Traffic Ticketing Snowmen Bring Holiday Cheer; Boost City Coffers

It is the season of giving for commuters around Marion, Ohio. With the introduction of festive traffic cameras by the Marion City Police Department a few years ago, commuters are all too happy to give back to city services by running a stop light or driving wildly over the speed limit a couple of times each holiday season.

The cameras, hidden inside packed snow resembling the heads of snowmen, are placed in various trees around the city that line some of Marion’s busiest residential thoroughfares. 

The idea is the brain child of Police Chief Ethan Saunders. “We wanted to develop a way for residents to give back to their community without burdening them with the anguish of a tax increase or the hassle of being pulled over by an officer during this time that is supposed to be joyous,” Saunders explains. The department started the unique program a few years ago, but at the time officials say drivers seemed to ignore or not even notice the cameras…much to their chagrin.

Saunders says things really took off when they found a way to make the cameras part of the city’s holiday tradition. “It came out of nowhere during a conversation with Mayor Jeff Meisterburger. He was explaining how much fun his children had with the Elf on the Shelf around the house each year and suddenly we thought we could adapt the same concept to our traffic cameras. And just like that, it took off like wildfire,” Saunders says with much enthusiasm.

Instead of just placing normal, boring cameras in plain sight, officers use the snow piled up after the first big December winter storm to create snowman heads with the cameras inside. The added effect of placing them in trees was just icing on the Christmas cookie.

Mayor Meisterburger first thought of hiring a professional sculptor to create the snowman cameras, but instead decided to have off duty officers create their own crude versions. This he says, “...brings a nostalgic feel to the snowman cameras. Like those snowmen we remember making as children. These are complete with sticks for arms, rocks for eyes and maybe a paint can or cute planter as a hat. We encourage the officers to use their imagination.”

According to Saunders, “We used to have the officers create these on a random afternoon, but we made it a surprise last year. We had a few of the Drug Enforcement Task Force officers, who really weren't doing anything important, put on their winter tactical gear and go out under the veil of night to make and place them.” 

He says the feedback has been excellent, “A number of motorists say the surprise of finding them on an unassuming morning is just like the feeling they had waking up on Christmas morning as children. It puts a smile on their face and warms their hearts. They are, then, all too happy to miss a red light or push that accelerator just little further toward the floor and speed up, knowing the funds will be going to a good cause…their community.”

Mayor Meisterburger says they just wanted to work on getting a small piece of the seasonal giving market share that has been cornered by The Salvation Army for the better part of the past century. “We think we have an advantage over The Salvation Army as there isn't any annoying bell ringing, noise pollution or Joe Schmo blocking your way out of local supermarkets or other retail establishments,” explains Meisterburger. The mayor states that there isn't anything wrong with the bell ringers, but sometimes he just doesn't have any spare to change offer and doesn't want to be bothered with it.

Local children also look forward to the snowman cameras as they are placed in different areas each year and the locations are not made public prior to the camera placement. Captain Saunders says, “It is a joy to see children excitedly point them out to their parents at the last minute just as they are speeding by, texting, Facebooking or scarfing down their fast-food sandwiches.”

The city continues to build on the ever growing program. “For the first time”, says Meisterburger, “this year motorists who help us out by ignoring basic traffic laws will receive a Christmas Card and 'Thank You' note from the city. Also inside will be their citation and colorful photos of their vehicle darting through Marion’s holiday rush hour. Its the least we could do with the overwhelming positive response we've had, the folks have been great.”

Some residents are appreciative of the city’s forward thinking. South State Street homeowner Ariel Horowitz says he and his neighbors have started a competition to see who can be the top city benefactor. “We start preparing our strategy as soon as Thanksgiving is over,” states Horowitz excitedly.

Church Street resident Zeke Pendergrass says he has started collecting the citations and photos, “We plan to pass these down from generation to generation. How else will our children’s children, and other family members, know what things used to be like. It’s a true history lesson, it’s educational.”

Progressive some would say.

Though, there are some critics who think the program is just encouraging erratic driving and could end up doing more harm than good. To that, Mayor Meisterburger says they have taken precautions against possible program abuse by running public service announcements in print and broadcast media beginning in October and running through the end of the year.

He says, “Folks need to understand that the city only needs so much. Commuters should remember that this season is also about family and togetherness. No child should be waking up on Christmas morning with nothing from their parents. The city is urging motorists to share their holiday spirit with everyone.”

Captain Saunders says there will be new twist to the program next year, as they plan to have a naming contest for the snowman cameras. “The fun should not be relegated to those with a driver’s license. We want children, the handicap and undocumented immigrants to feel like they, too, are apart of the city’s Christmas season,” he claims.

Just like the sound of jingle bells warms the hearts of folks elsewhere; in Marion, Christmas is filled with the sounds of blaring horns, screeching tires and the minimal annoyance of police sirens.

Happy Holidays from Marion, Ohio.

A Happy Holidays Christmas Parody. The snowman heads pictured are real and were only harmed when the temperature reached + 32 degrees. The cameras do not exist. That means this story is fake...not real...a joke. Thanks for your understanding and keep laughing.

****UPDATE: Due to the fact they were essentially dead and were barely hanging on, the "trees" or partial stumps that held the Snowman Heads were officially cut down and turned into saw dust in January of 2017.They are no more, long live Snowman Head Traffic Cameras****

A Reminder of What Hasn't Happened Yet.

Sitting in Panera on Columbus Day and I casually watch two women have this intense conversation through sign language. You can tell the range of emotions they leap to and from by facial expressions and hand motions...the passion in their conversation is obvious. They easily comprehend (and feel) each and every point made by one another.

Without the use of spoken word, they connect and are oblivious to the rest of the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm oblivious to this type of being. Connecting on a level beyond the physical. I've found (and very quickly lost) short-lived instances of this kind of connection. All in all, it makes me feel like I'm lost. Not ignored or alone, just...lost.

I have a decent apartment, in a small town and have a decent job with my fair share of friends and acquaintances. Though I'm unsure of the direction I'm going or who I'm supposed to find or if I have the wherewithal to sustain a real, deeply personal relationship with someone. A number of relationships I have had have come close, but somewhere in the mix it seems as though I am missing a key component or cog that creates a disconnect in this mutual existence. That disconnect then becomes this huge crevasse that ultimately makes me less than what is desired, and that relationship ends. They move on, and I'm lost.

I don't know what it is that is missing or I'm not seeing. And to make matters worse, those partners don't always know either. They just...know. They can feel it, they can taste it, its right on the end of their tongue. But they are unable to put it into words, words that I can understand. If they don't know what it is exactly, then I can't necessarily make sense of it or correct it.

I have definitely changed my way of thinking, put myself second more often than not and have replayed the past in my head over and over with hopes that I would grasp what it was that I was or wasn't doing. Correcting mistakes is the path of real development, right? On the verge of 38 years old and that is apparently not the case. Still watching relationships start off with a real feel of "this is it", but then before it turns that corner...I've lost something...or they need to be more fulfilled with...that something.

Wow, I cannot begin to explain to you the number of times this has happened. Its almost funny...like a bad situation comedy. I would say comedy of errors, but I couldn't tell you what errors are being committed. I'm sure there are plenty. I would be ignorant if I said its always them, its not me. I'm sure its me...I'm positive on that. Its just extremely disappointing to continually restart, be ready to take that plunge...then return to square one. Missing that person on a daily basis and trying to keep yourself occupied to keep from over thinking or driving myself insane.

With that, I have that feeling of being "lost". Not ignored, or alone, or "the world is against me"...I'm just missing a certain state of being. That key component that allows us to connect on a deeper, more personal, intimate level where its you and me...and the rest of the world is on the outside looking in.

You know, that ingredient where you are having fun in a room full of people; intently listening and comprehending conversations, thoughts and feelings...but are instantly brought back to Earth, to your little world shared only by you and...well, whomever it may be (Since, I sure as hell don't know). Its that look, the glance, that shy smile, wink or casual hand gesture that indicates that deep down...you have my undivided attention no matter what the case may be. That...that state of being, that connection, that mutual grasp of what it is each of you want and need from one another; this is what I haven't found. And, unfortunately, I thoroughly believe its what I don't have that keeps it from becoming a reality and developing into something much more meaningful.

The last three days I have continually replayed what took place on Friday in my head, and I'm an still unable to understand it. Maybe I'm not supposed to...sure wish I could. She seemed more upset than I, and let me tell you that makes me feel that much better about it. I just wanted to comfort the girl...I don't think I even now how to do THAT any more. Oh, the two women at Panera, signing and connecting on this ridiculous level without uttering an actual sound...they each have been brought to tears; happy tears, still laughing and reaching that level of being that I'm oblivious to.

I hear jealousy is an unflattering characteristic.

I waited by your bedside,
And didn't close my eyes all night.
I named you like a prayer.

It's anybody's guess how,
The angel of doubt came down,
And crept into your bed.

But after we danced to the shipping forecast,
The words escaped your mouth:
"I know it's gotta stop love, but I don't know how."

Now the stairs forget your shoes,
And the gate don't creak for want of you.
But the jury's out on me.
We're wise beyond our years,
But we're good at bad ideas, my love.
Or so it seems to be.

Shine a little light,
Don't wrestle with the night,
Don't think about the future now.
I know it's gotta stop love but I don't know how.

My little one, my kettle drum,
I know I had a message at the start.

My babel tongue, my come-undone,
I know I had a message at the start.

My prison kiss, my dying wish,
I know I had a message at the start.
But it up and abandoned us, when we were sleeping in our beds.

Shine a little light,
Don't wrestle with the night,
Don't think about the future now.
I know it's gotta stop love but I don't know how.

My little one, my kettle drum,
I know I had a message at the start.

My babel tongue, my come-undone,
I know I had a message at the start.

My prison kiss, my dying wish,
I know I had a message at the start.
But it up and abandoned us, when we were sleeping in our beds.

It's anybody's guess how the angel of doubt laid down
Sand beneath our house.
I know it's gotta stop love, but I don't know how.
I know it's gotta stop love, but I don't know how.

New Ceremony by Dry The River

Going Full Circle Each Year

Wow, I just noticed this list is four years old as of this month. Time is just flying by and it makes me want to remind myself to take some time to look around, observe and enjoy it. Especially with spring and summer on the horizon (since winter never arrived this year, its been 40 or about for the last month and a half. We haven't had any snow, literally).

Four years ago? Well, from March 2008 to March 2012 I was...

in...then out of a long term relationship...

moved from an apartment in Akron to an apartment in Columbus to a house in Columbus to a rooming house just south of the Ohio State University campus (Columbus)...

went from working in radio, to unemployed to being a waiter in a failed Mexican restaurant (Baja Sol) to a customer service rep. in a call center for a girl's/women's apparel catalogue (Delia's/Alloy) to a customer service rep. for JP Morgan Chase to a package handled for Limited Brands to an Account Manager for a Health Care IT company (CoverMyMeds)...

added a second niece and a nephew to my list of young people who think that I, too, am in area of 5 to 8 years old...

officially left radio after years of being only "sort of" happy with what I was doing for a living...

disconnected from a long list of acquaintances and friends through my own ignorance and lack of vision, then discovered a whole new circle of friends and acquaintances...

was continually thrown out of my element, then worked on getting familiar and comfortable with where I was only to have to do it all over again...and again...and again.

And that is just scratching the surface , without details. The only constant is that the roller coaster doesn't have a plateau, its all up and down. That may be the reason why I sometimes feel disconnected, lost or on the outside looking in. It is a feeling I really don't care for.

This shouldn't be, but I have become sort of programmed to not get too comfortable with anything. I think its because each time I have been able to take a deep breath and relax, I then get handed the task of starting something over again.

That can be a confidence killer. Mine isn't dead, though if it were a physical object it would look a lot like my Honda: dented, scratch, scraped, battered and bruised. I'm at that point now where I'm craving a constant of some kind, whether it be big or small, I just need something or a someone to help keep me grounded now and then.

Its funny how this project I started four years ago has gone from a way to document some of the odd experiences I have had to this weird personal reflection. I can imagine looking back on this in a few years and simply laugh at myself. At least I hope that's what I will be doing. I'm 36 (going on 37) and still making my way...which ever way that is.

If I ever get to Albuquerque, remind me to take that left turn.

Getting Fiscally Fit: A Constant Climb

It cracks me up at how much focusing on being fiscally responsible has a direct correlation on every other aspect of one's personal being. I can't say I'm proud of where I am right now, but the focus is understanding it is only temporary. It doesn't define who I am.

What is disheartening is at how others view it and it is usually not the best of views. Most people "get it", while others tend to judge you and wonder what it was you did wrong in order to put yourself in this position. Okay, I can see how one's mind can wonder but believe you me, it has nothing to do with you. This is all me.

You know it is embarrassing enough to realize that you are approaching middle age and need to scale back in order to keep from digging an even bigger hole for yourself. What is not needed is, despite have the confidence and self awareness to explain where you are and why, running into those who assume you are somehow tainted or damaged goods as a result.

It isn't completely awful living in what is technically a 1940's-ish rooming house style living arrangement and with housemates who will never be mistaken for the poster children for cleanliness. They, as friendly as they may be, are pretty disgusting. You get what you pay for: its cheap, small and made for short term residency. It is what you would expect being located near other college campus area dwellings.

I do miss having mine own kitchen, bathroom and the ability to just disappear and be myself without interruption from others now & then. Its been about eight months and I find that I'm frequently revisiting how much time I have left in this fiscal detention I have put myself on. I definitely try keep from staring down the calendar because that is not the point of what I'm try to do.

Though this attempt to improve my standing has thrown a wrench into the dating scene. Most of those I hang out with now are neighbors or are acquaintances of those neighbors and all of them are in their mid to late 20's. Those I come across who are most within my age range are either just not interested or just don't comprehend what I am doing. I can see where they are coming from, sort of. If you've never been in this situation, you just don't know how to react or think.

This doesn't mean the scene would be that much better if I had my own place and all was kosher. Dating has never really be easy for me. I know I have tried too hard at times and my personality is a bit on the obscure side. That's hard to take for some, either right off the bat or a shortly thereafter. Its almost funny at the amount of relationships have turned out not to be.

Its discouraging, but I'm not down for the count. Though there a times where you just don't even feel like trying. Maybe that's the key. Hey I'm where I am because I need to be here to get to where I want to go. It doesn't mean I'm poor, a bad money manager, I'm somehow broken or that I can't be adult about things. This is all about me.

If you don't think you can handle it or think that this is how I'll be in the future, please feel free to move on. It will be a disappointment, but its not like it hasn't happened before. When the tough got going for me, I backtracked a bit to take a different route and try again. I didn't give up. I may have felt like quitting a thousand times, but I didn't.

That, I think, speaks volumes and should tell you a lot about me. Maybe I'll eventually run into someone who will do more than just scratch the surface. Maybe I just need to focus on myself and let things roll. Maybe, just maybe, this is what its all about.

Maybe...

One Down, 51 To Go.

There is something to be said about setting short term goals, that is if you don't go overboard. Its officially been one week into 2012 and I don't have much to worry, complain or fret about. That's a good thing.

Though I do have to say it is hard to ignore that small, yet consistent, voice in the back of mind that reminds me that I'm kind of lonely. Okay, I have been able to make some friends and we are consistent with keeping track of another and going places and make fools out of ourselves. That's great and I am more than thankful for it. I have also taken the initiative to take personal adventures and get involved with a few groups to be more active and about. I'm proud of myself for that.

Its not as if I am being stagnate and keeping to myself. Having fun and being social is key and I understand it is something I need to continually work on.

With that, deep down, I have the small feeling of being alone and maybe a bit lost. I truly don't feel that I am, but I think this goes back to being in a relationship for the better part of four years then suddenly not being in one. I think I miss it or is it that I just miss her? Hmm, I'm not exactly sure. Its annoying that I haven't been able to shake that constant ringing in the back of my mind. I can subdue it now and then, I just can't get it to go away.

I think you will always miss something, or some things, about someone you spend so much time around and work with to maintain a relationship. Even if that relationship goes sour, both parties will always have things that remind them of the good times or something unique about that person. I have those now and they make me smile. Then again, they remind me that its just me right now. I'm not sure I like that as I'm not used to it.

I don't think about this constantly, but it does creep more times than I would like it to. Time, you just need time - I have been told this probably a thousand times in the past eight to nine months. I'm sure this is true, but my personal thought is that it HAS been awhile. Why is it still nagging me?

By no means am I bending over backwards to get into another relationship as I want to be sure I am start a new and not trying to get back what once was. Though I think it would be more than welcomed if the right person crossed my path or I cross hers.

Time, what a quirky thing you are.