Friday, February 20, 2015

Semiretired & Frustrated: Superman Regrets Accepting Babysitting Job.

Semi-retirement has not been kind to the Man of Steel. Being able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and withstand gunshots (let alone ducking when the gun is emptied and physically thrown at him) has nothing on the chore of being a part-time guardian for three Central Ohio siblings.

Mr. Clark Kent, who uses his human name in his golden years saying that using "Superman" tends to make his resume look less relevant to employers (or so the Franklin County Department of Aging claims), was hoping to find what he calls a "less stressful" gig since the majority of his super human days are far behind him. Among several jobs applied for, Mr. Kent thought he could piggyback his popularity among the world's children and make a go of it as a caregiver for some of his fans.

Six months into his three day, 20-hour a week retirement supplement job and Kent is craving for the easy, good old days of posing as a newspaper reporter and reversing the Earth's rotation.

The three who have forced Superman to rethink his decision are the Henderson children of Orient (a suburb of Columbus): Calli (9), Abby (6) and Reed (3). Among Mr. Kent's complaints are Calli's constant mocking, including her complete disbelief that the planet Krypton ever existed; Abby's beef that Kent "acts too much like a boy" during her princess tea parties, thus scaring her friends and Reed's insistence on always having chocolate...ALWAYS.

The Man of Steel being pranked into guarding the Vanilla Almond Milk

This, Mr. Kent claims, causes him to have nightmares and break into cold sweats. Apparently the images of a three-foot tall, toe-headed monster constantly screaming "CHAHK-IT!" at the top of his lungs has caused the super hero to develop an anxiety disorder that inhibits his ability to concentrate on normal day-to-day activities."Crashing to Earth in a fiery meteorite and landing in a remote farm field somewhere in the Midwest and being brought up by lesser beings wasn't nearly as stressful as this," says Kent.

Being forced to watch the movie "Frozen" repeatedly is not as awful as it seems, though Kent says having been born on a planet made entirely of ice, the movie just doesn't seem realistic to him. This usually results in Calli telling him to, "Just shut up and sing the songs."

Falling prey to Abby's cute, angelic sad eyes routine, Superman finds that he has been fooled more than once to believing that someone has been trying to steal the vanilla flavored Almond Milk in the fridge that Abby loves so much. Thus, the kids then sneak photos of him attempting to guard the carton and share them with their friends on social media. Kent is embarrassed to admit he has found out the hard way that Abby's supposed tears of concern were actually tears of hilarity she shared with Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora, Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Pocahontas, Mulan, Tinker Bell, Tiana, Rapunzel, Merida, Anna and Elsa during their princesses only get-togethers.

Having these three human children together in any situation takes days of preparation and mock run-throughs in order for Superman to get some sort of handle on what may happen, but the learning curve is slow.

"You'd think my super powers and mystery would mesmerize them and they would be eager to see more and maybe respect me a little, it just doesn't happen," Kent says. "I know that's Santa's shtick, but I'm at a loss as to how he does it. That fat, over joyed bastard has it down to a science. I'm sure it has something to do with narcotics made by his minions....oh...sorry... I mean 'elves'. Or he has some sort of major trade deal involving vast amounts of Benadryl he hides somewhere in the far reaches the Earth," the super hero laments as his frustration boils over.

The Man of Steel says he has been perusing other jobs to keep his sort of retirement eventful. He says delightedly, "The local library is in need of a part-time Computer Center Assistant/Technician. That sounds more like my speed these days, I'm a bit fed up with smart aleck kids and being viewed as a fun hater. I can throw a bus for gods sake!"

Superman making the mistake of bringing carrot sticks to last month's princess tea party

When alerted of Superman's possible change in jobs, the Henderson children were not exactly disappointed and just seemed to ignore the question.

The youngest, Reed, (shirt and face covered in Chocolate) was salivating profusely and screamed in an animal-like squeal, "...juuiiiccce, peeaaassseee!?"

The middle child, Abby, gave us a death stare and wanted us to remind the old chap that, "...he's still on the hook for the finger sandwiches and fruit cups for next week's tea party. And he better not screw it up and bring those stupid veggies again."

Finally, the eldest, Calli, paused for moment then smiled broadly before blurting out, "Super....JERK!" At which time all three children laughed uncontrollably for the next 20 minutes.


chad simpson said...

Nice work, bro!

chad simpson said...

You perfectly captured the monkeys as well as the man in the brilliant blue tights!